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  • How to determine if you are in an abusive relationship

    Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells most of the time; even when it comes to making the daily simplest decisions? 

    Read on abusive relationships, what to do, and warning signs. 

    You might experience walking on eggshells every day or most of the days, or maybe that nothing you do is right, or that there is no way to predict what the other person wants, he/she complains, yell, and get’s angry very easily; while there may not be physical violence (maybe minimal), at this point yet, there could be emotional abuse, intimidation, and threats. Fear of violence is often as coercive as the violence itself. Tension can range from constantly arguing to the “silent treatment”. These can last from days to years.

    This violent behavior could increase over time, the victim makes the choice to either leave or stay in the relationship, if we stay, we start experiencing low self-esteem, or maybe we think we are nothing without the other person. If we leave, we start carrying a huge sense of guilt.

    After every moment of abuse the other person (the abuser) does many fake things just not to be abandoned by the victim, he or she could fake a false honeymoon; bring flowers, or gifts, do nice things, or seek pity from us. The truth is these good moments are just fake, the abuser is only trying to keep the victim with him or her. These moments don’t last, once they have control and absolute power over the victim, they go back to being themselves again, and the cycle of abuse repeats itself.

    Anyone could end up being a victim of an abusive relationship, is important to recognize if we are in one or not, by becoming aware, we can make a conscious decision to look for extra help, and is very important to make a safety plan if we are planning on leaving the relationship. The first and most important step is to become aware that something is not right in the relationship. The abuser is not capable of recognizing this in him or herself, most of the time they are incapable of feeling guilt or shame or to relate with the pain of others.

    Is extremely important to try your best to plan safely if you are leaving the abuser, here are some tips to keep in mind:

    Remove weapons from the home, if possible.

    Keep an extra set of car keys in a location only known to you.

    Teach children to dial 911 responsibly.

    Have a friend or relative call you once a day just to talk.

    Have a list of important telephone numbers to call in case of emergency.

    Take important papers such as birth certificates, immigration papers, social security numbers, and driver’s license with you.

    Take prescription medications.

    If you have left, do not meet or call them under any circumstances.

    Warning Signs of an Abusive Person 

    Jealousy and Possessiveness. Wants to be with you constantly. Accuses you of cheating all the time. Follows you around and frequently calls. Asks friends to check up on you.

    Controlling Behavior. Constantly questions who you spend your time with, what you did/wore/said, where you went. Makes you ask permission to do certain things. Acts like you can’t make good decisions. Hides controlling behavior by pretending to be concerned for your safety.

    Quick Involvement. Six months or less before living together or engaged. Claims love at first sight. Pressure for commitment. Says you are the only one who can make him feel this way.

    Unrealistic Expectations. Compliments you in a way that makes you seem superhuman. Over-flattering. Expects you to be perfect. Says, “I am all you need. You are all I need.”

    Isolation. Puts down everyone you know- friends are either stupid, slutty, or you are cheating with the- family is too controlling, doesn’t really love you, or you are too dependent on them. Refuses to let you use the car or talk on the phone. Makes it difficult for you to go to work or school. Tries to cut off all your resources.

    Blames Others for Problems. If there are problems at school or work, it is always someone else’s fault. If anything goes wrong in the relationship, it is all your fault. Won’t take responsibility for their own behavior.

    Blames Others for Feelings. Tries to make you responsible for how they feel. “You’re making me mad.” “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.” “I can’t help being angry.” Won’t take responsibility for own feelings.

    Hypersensitivity. Easily insulted. Sees everything as a personal attack. Looks for fights. Blows things out of proportion. Unpredictable. You can never tell what will upset him.

    Disrespectful or Cruel to Others. Punishes animals or children cruelly. Insensitive to pain and suffering. Teases children until they cry. Don’t treat others with respect. Dismissive of others’ feelings.

    “Playful” Use of Force During Sexual Activity. Little concern over whether you want sex or not, and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Makes sexual or degrading jokes about you.

    Verbal Abuse of Any Kind.

    Rigid Sex Roles. Believe women are inferior to men. Unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

    Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sudden mood changes- like they have two personalities. One-minute nice, next minute exploding. One-minute happy, next-minute sad.

    Past Battering. You may hear the person was abusive to someone else. They say it’s a lie, or their ex was “crazy,” or it wasn’t that bad.

    Threats of Any Kind.

    Breaking or Striking Objects. Breaks loved possessions. Beats on the table with their fists. Throws objects.

    Any Force During an Argument. Pushes shove or physically restrains you from leaving the room.

    Doesn’t Respect Your Property or Privacy.

    Always keep in mind that help is available, if something like this is happening to you or someone you know, please share this information.

    National Domestic Violence Hotline Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service 800-799-7233 SMS: Text START to 88788

    Aventurine Counseling and Coaching is here for you, start your healing Today.